I feel that everything around me is not real and not really happening!
Like any situation I’m put in has no meaning to it, and the people around me have no feelings or emotions, Its like I’m the only working mind out of everyone and I’m alone in everything I try to do and make sense of. I feel like my anxiety attacks that I have had since I was little link to this. I get a recurring image of space zooming into earth where I am, and then I feel panicky and scared that I am the only one here and everything can disappear forever so easily. I get the strangest feeling when this happens that I can never get people to understand properly. It’s like I question absolutely everything in my life, every aspect of this world and it leads to ‘what is the point in anything at all?’
I feel numb most of the time. I feel like I can’t feel any emotions through my everyday routine. I’m just surrounded by pointless conversation that doesn’t mean anything to me and doesn’t stir anything in me. Sometimes the only things I can feel is a sharp pain in my chest which I think is connected with my depression. The physical feeling engulfs me in this blank mood which is overwhelming and hurts so much.
Whenever I get in arguments or heated conversations I still feel nothing. I can say loads of things but I don’t mean any of them, like I have no control of what comes out of my mouth, like it is all pre-decided what I’m going to say and do and I have no choice in it. I feel like I’m trapped in my own head.
Sometimes I feel happy and sad when I watch movies and read books, because I can get so lost in them. Usually I feel sad when watching a movie because it makes me feel hopeless that I have my life, and people’s lives in movies are so different.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing that I’m really there as it makes me panic that I am a real person and I’m not just a ghost. This sudden awareness of my presence in the world makes me panic that I have to act normal and show people I am normal. I feel completely disconnected from my own life. Like I am hovering above myself watching as my life as it happens and as I do things and say things I don’t even understand.
I feel like everyday is exactly the same as the last and its just repeating over and over again. It’s as if there’s no point in tomorrow, its just going to be exactly the same. It makes me feel really depressed and hopeless for the future. Like although things in my future will change, there will always be these foundations that are always going to be the same, like everyday is still going to be the same but have a mask over it which deceives me to think everyday is different.
I feel whenever I’m interacting with anyone I’m not sounding normal and I’m not sounding the same as everyone else, like I’m an alien. I have trouble understanding what people mean when they say things and what they are thinking of me. Then I get paranoid and embarrassed like I don’t know what to say. I sometimes feel like I have no personality, like everyone else is so unique in themselves and all have an opinion and something to say, but I have nothing to say and no real thoughts. Its like I appear to look normal but inside I’m just a robot. I feel awkward in most situations involving people. I find it difficult to talk normally to people that are new and I come across as rude because I don’t know what a normal conversation should go like. I have trouble even asking people how they are when they have asked me how I am cause I don’t feel like I can understand how they are and I don’t feel like they even feel anything.
In my friendship group I latch on to a few people that I feel comfortable around, I avoid anything that doesn’t include these people as the prospect of loads of new people or just friends that I’m not comfortable with frightens me.
I avoid any work at school where I have to work in a group or talk in front of the class as this is the most frightening thing in the world to me. It feels like there are 30 mindless people all staring at me but in reality they all have thoughts and are all thinking things about me that ill never know. I find whenever I have to talk in front of people; I choke on my own words as I’m so nervous to let a sentence out. I’ve always been this way, and I know there are a lot of people that get embarrassed and are generally shy, but I really feel like this is something different, but I feel like no-one understands at all, and whoever I tell won’t understand anything I’m telling them.